There’s a good chance that you were exposed to formal grammar at some point in your schooling. You might have underlined subjects and verbs, labeled independent and dependent clauses, or tried to memorize pronoun and verb charts.

Many English teachers believe that grammatical terminology is one of the keys to better writing. I strongly disagree. Learning how to rebuild an automobile doesn’t ensure that you’ll know what to do at a flashing red light. And circling an adverbial clause doesn’t guarantee that you can organize and present information effectively.

But don’t you need to understand the parts of sentences? My answer is a strong no. If you grew up speaking English, you quickly discovered that the doer almost always comes first in a sentence. Even small children know that “Jane fed the cat” means something quite different from “The cat fed Jane.”

When you’re working on a writing task, it’s usually safe to assume that the important stuff is going to appear at the beginning of the sentence. Take a look at this example:

Misuse of prescription drugs cause/causes many serious medical problems.

Which is right – cause or causes? If you know the “go to the beginning” rule, you’ll make the right choice: Misuse…causes.

Misuse of prescription drugs causes many serious medical problems.  CORRECT

Prescription drugs can be lifesavers. They’re not the problem: misuse is.

But there’s an exception you should know about. In either/or, neither/or sentences, you need to skip the beginning of the sentence. Jump over the either/neither part, and go straight to the or/nor part.

Either the teachers or the dean is/are going to present the award.

Either the teachers or the dean is/are going to present the award.

Either the teachers or the dean is going to present the award.  CORRECT

You can learn more about this rule (and other subject-verb rules) at this link.

In my previous post, I told you about the Apostrophe Protection Society. It was founded by a former copy editor who’s fighting against apostrophe mistakes. I applaud the effort, but I want to note that sometimes John Richards (the Society’s founder) makes mistakes.

Today I want to take a broad look at how and why we use apostrophes. (If you’d like to review the traditional rules for using apostrophes, click here.)

1.  Why do we need apostrophes?

We probably don’t. The English language got along perfectly well without them for hundreds of years. Even when apostrophes finally made their way into English in the 16th century, there was a lot of confusion about them.

At first apostrophes stood only for missing letters (the missing “o” in don’t, for example). Soon, though, they began to be used with some plurals (comma’s). Today that’s considered a serious error, but it used to be accepted usage.

In the 18th century, apostrophes began to be used in “of” expressions: “Tom’s car.” Gradually the rules were standardized.

Many people (including me!) think apostrophes should be part of every writer’s toolbox. But let’s remember that apostrophes are relative newcomers – they’re not essential. You can read more here: https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/05/apostrophes-and-when-to-use-them-punctuation-necessary-at-all-not-really.html

2.  Does everyone agree about apostrophe rules?

Would that it were so! No, they don’t. For example, I often see mistakes with the apostrophe in  people’s. (“The people’s wishes” is correct). Even some professional writers make mistakes with its and it’s.

The problems go beyond occasional slip-ups. Sometimes even the experts can’t settle on a rule that satisfies everyone. I confess that I’m one of the offenders: I refuse to add an extra “s” in expressions like “Carl Jones’ car” and “Lois’ job.” (The sticklers insist on “Carl Jones’s car” and “Lois’s job.” Nope. I’m stubborn.)

Then there are the debates about whether the apostrophes in “of” expressions are always necessary. Last week Dave Norman – a regular visitor to my blog – told me something I didn’t know: The US Board on Geographic Names discourages the use of apostrophes in place names.

If you’re thinking that’s a sign of the deterioration of English, think again: that stance goes all the way back to 1890.

Some exceptions are allowed, so that there are apostrophes in Martha’s Vineyard and Clark’s Mountain, but none in Pikes Peak and Harpers Ferry.

3. Do apostrophes serve a useful purpose?

My answer used to be “Of course!” – but now I’m not so sure. Getting every picky little apostrophe right takes time and concentration – and I’m not sure all that effort makes any difference.

A moment ago I realized that my Jones example was wrong earlier in this post. Of course I fixed it immediately. But would you have figured out the meaning anyway? I’m sure you would.

And there’s another problem that’s worth thinking about: some people think apostrophes are ugly. Playwright Bernard Shaw hated the apostrophes in contractions like can’t and don’t, and he had enough clout to get his way much of the time.

4.  If you’re smart about apostrophes, does that make you a good writer?

Not necessarily. (Sigh.) I started this column by talking about John Richards, the founder of The Apostrophe Protection Society. Recently he announced that he’d given up on apostrophes, and was going to turn his attention elsewhere. “The use of the comma is appalling,” he said. “When I read some newspaper websites they just don’t understand what it is used for.”

Notice anything?

There should have been a comma after websites: “When I read some newspaper websites, they just don’t understand what it is used for.”

My advice: beware of setting yourself up as the last defense post against bad English!

For twenty years, a former copy editor named John Richards fought for the correct usage of apostrophes. But recently he has admitted defeat, declaring that “The ignorance and laziness present in modern times have won!”

Richards (who’s 96 years old, incidentally) isn’t taking down the website for the Apostrophe Protection Society he founded. But he will no longer be posting content. You can read more here: https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2019/12/02/apostrophe-protection-society-john-richards-england/

I often answer language questions on Quora.com. Here’s a question that comes up again and again: What are some rules that hardly anybody obeys anymore?

I have a nomination – a rule I think we should just get rid of altogether: having to know the difference between who and whom and whoever and whomever.

You should just use who and whoever – even if you’re an English teacher or a professional writer. The pros seem to struggle with this one just as much as high school students do. Begone!

Here’s an example from a September 3, 2019 article about Marianne Williamson in the New York Times Magazine:

“She ministered to whomever was listening – her readers, her congregants, the people who traveled to listen to her, people who live streamed her – in the language of self-help, which is the language we are mostly all fluent in right now.”

Wrong, wrong, wrong. Here’s the correct sentence:

“She ministered to whoever was listening – her readers, her congregants, the people who traveled to listen to her, people who live streamed her – in the language of self-help, which is the language we are mostly all fluent in right now.”

Here’s a quick way to figure it out: “he was listening” – “who was listening” – “whoever was listening.” Or, if you want to get all grammatical about it, you can say that “whoever” is the subject of a noun clause. But you don’t need that gobbledygook.

Still doubting me? Compare this sentence, which uses whomever correctly:

“She ministered to whomever he persuaded to enter the shelter.”

Now you really do need whomever: “he persuaded him” – “he persuaded whom” – “he persuaded whomever.” You can feel that m (him, whom, whomever) in your mouth. Or, if you want to get all grammatical about it, “whomever” is the object of a noun clause.

But – again – you don’t need that gobbledygook. Just use who and whoever 100% of the time.

What if you’re sure you know how to use whom and whomever correctly? Well, Taffy Brodesser-Akner – who wrote that article for the New York Times Magazine – was sure she got it right, wasn’t she? And the editor at the magazine who approved the article thought that sentence was right too. But it wasn’t.

If you need another reason for ignoring that useless rule, here it is: you’ll never make mistakes like “the editor whom approved the article” and “I didn’t know whom was coming to the party.” Gack!

Chances are you don’t speak Welsh! I hope you’ll read today’s post anyway. I think it raises an interesting point. (Here’s something you can look forward to: an English teacher is going to fall on the floor.)

I’m studying Welsh via Duolingo and slowly learning how to construct complicated sentences. This week’s challenge is sentences like this one:

I went out after I had coffee.

Here’s the Welsh version (with “after I had coffee” in bold):

Es i allan ar õl i fi gael coffi.

Here’s what’s interesting (to me, anyway). After I have coffee uses exactly the same words as after I had coffee.

People who speak Welsh can’t make a distinction between “had” and “have” in some complex sentences. Their grammar won’t let them do it. The result is sentences like this: “I went out after I have coffee.” And guess what? Everybody understands anyway!

English teachers love to tell you that if the grammar of a sentence isn’t perfect, people won’t understand you. But today’s Welsh sentence proves (to me, anyway) that your brain will probably figure out the meaning even if there’s a mistake.

(That thunk you just heard was an English teacher falling on the floor.)

So let’s not belittle people who make mistakes. A student who struggles with a sentence isn’t stupid or confused. They made a mistake. That’s all! And we’ll probably figure out the meaning anyway.

Even if you don’t usually make New Year’s resolutions, I think they’re a good idea for writers. It’s useful to take stock of your writing practices at least once a year to see if there’s something new you should be doing.

Here are some suggestions. (If these sound overwhelming, take heart. At the end of this post I’ll be encouraging you to choose only one.)

1.  Set a daily writing goal. You’ll be following in the footsteps of many famous writers who challenged themselves to write a set number of pages every day. When Bernard Shaw was starting his writing career, he forced himself to write four pages a day. If he skipped a day, he wrote eight pages the next day.

2.  Spend five minutes a day exploring the features in your word-processing software. I’m endlessly shocked (“appalled” is probably more accurate) by the writers I meet who don’t have basic word-processing skills such as find & replace, save as, and autocorrect. It’s fine (and fun!) to play with the pull-down menus, and you’ll learn a lot.

3.  Resolve to start adopting the working habits of professional writers. If you’re using open-source software, save up and install Word on your computer. Learn how to use the Styles feature in your word-processing software.
Stop underlining for emphasis (professionals don’t do it, and neither should you). Learn how to punctuate direct quotations (in the US, the commas and periods always go inside). If you’re still spacing twice after a period, STOP IT!

4.  Learn about formatting manuscripts and books. Smashwords.com has a free ebook that will teach you how to do this (that’s how I learned): https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/52. You can read it on any e-reader or just download it to your desktop as a .pdf.

5.  Read at least one good book about writing or language. Start with (of course) The Elements of Style. Other recommendations include anything by Theodore Bernstein or John McWhorter; Adair Lara’s Naked, Drunk, and Writing; and Mary Norris’s Between You and Me: Confessions of a Comma Queen.

6.  Join a writing group. Your library may have information about local groups you can join. If there’s no group in your community, start one. Your public library probably has a meeting room that you can use free, and it will help you publicize your group.

7.  Learn about online resources available through your library card. You may be able to access ebooks, newspapers, magazines, and reference books at home, free. Good writers are good fact-checkers and researchers.

8.  Set up a free Google Alert for a topic that interests you (especially if it’s related to a writing project). Because I’ve published a book about writing better police reports, every day I receive a free list of links to news stories that involve police reports. Some of those stories provide useful fodder for my blog and help me sell books.

9.  Join LinkedIn. Set up your profile, upload a photo, and get involved in at least one group (listed under the Interests tab). LinkedIn puts you in touch with other professionals, provides opportunities for you to post your writing, and helps you keep up with trends in your field. Most important, it gives you credibility as a writer.

10.  Set up an appointment with a professional photographer for a head shot that you can use online.

11.  Subscribe to a magazine for writers, or stop by the library every couple of weeks to read one of their magazines.

12. Build connections to other writers. Be generous about sharing what you know. If a friend publishes a book, post a review on Amazon.com. 

My advice is to pick one resolution, get it under your belt, and then select another one. Keep pushing ahead and growing. You’ll have an exciting time, and your new skills will amaze you.

Best wishes for success and happiness in 2020!

Here’s something I revised right before I posted it last week:

During last week’s Pilates session, my trainer had a phone call from his son: their Netflix account wasn’t working. My trainer told him that the credit card had expired, and he hadn’t gotten around to updating it.

The problem was a little word that most of us don’t think about very often: he. My trainer was talking to his son. This is what I originally wrote:

My trainer told him that the credit card had expired, and he hadn’t gotten around to updating it.

There are two males in that sentence my trainer and his son. So “he hadn’t gotten around to updating it” is confusing. 

Of course most people would quickly figure it out: my trainer did the explaining. But good writers try to avoid these hiccups. Your brain should have a smooth and enjoyable ride when you’re reading.

I revised it so that there was just one male in the sentence:

My trainer explained that the credit card had expired, and he hadn’t gotten around to updating it.

During last week’s Pilates session, my trainer had a phone call from his son: their Netflix account wasn’t working. My trainer explained that the credit card had expired, and he hadn’t gotten around to updating it.

So when I got an email from Netflix about an expired credit card, I started to click the link to update it. But something didn’t look right, and I reread the email more closely. Two sentences were joined with a comma and therefore. Another sentence had a comma splice. Another sentence used the British spelling of center.

We could not authorize your payment for the next billing cycle of your subscription, therefore, we’ve suspended your membership.

Obviously we’d love to have you back, simply click restart your membership to update your details and continue to enjoy all the best TV shows & movies without interruption.

Visit the Help Centre or contact us now.

I immediately went to the official Netflix website and clicked the Account link. Everything was in order.

When I was in school, nobody told me that my usage skills would protect me from computer hoaxes. (One reason is that there were no computers back in the 60s.) I want to send a big thank you to every English teacher I’ve had over the years!

Some years ago my younger sister gave me a beautiful Christmas card with the opening lines from Louisa May Alcott’s Little Women written in lovely calligraphy. I continue to display the card, now flaking with age, in front of my computer keyboard every year.

These opening lines are so famous that one year they showed up in a Dr. Who episode: Tom Baker is seen wandering among the first pages of some famous books, including Little Women.

But I digress. Here’s a little activity for you. Read those first lines (reprinted below), and write down everything they tell you about the characters. Don’t include anything you already know about Little Women! Stick to the sentences in green.

“Christmas won’t be Christmas without any presents,” grumbled Jo, lying on the rug.
“It’s so dreadful to be poor!” sighed Meg, looking down at her old dress.
“I don’t think it’s fair for some girls to have plenty of pretty things, and other girls nothing at all,” added little Amy, with an injured sniff.
“We’ve got Father and Mother, and each other,” said Beth contentedly from her corner.
The four young faces on which the firelight shone brightened at the cheerful words, but darkened again as Jo said sadly, “We haven’t got Father, and shall not have him for a long time.” She didn’t say “perhaps never,” but each silently added it, thinking of Father far away, where the fighting was.

Here’s my list:

• It’s just before Christmas in the home of a poor family on a cold day
• Four sisters are facing a bleak holiday: Jo, Meg, Beth, and Amy
• Past Christmases were happier
• The family has had a change in fortune recently
• Jo isn’t afraid to be unladylike
• The girls live with their parents, but their father is away at war and in danger
• The girls’ mother probably isn’t in earshot
• Beth is less materialistic than her three sisters
• Amy is the youngest
• The girls miss their father

Not bad for only 121 words!

There’s a reason why people continue to read Little Women, first published in 1868 (the girls were missing their father because he was a chaplain in the Civil War). This is good writing. Every word counts. In a few lines you’re drawn into the story, introduced to no fewer than six characters, and shown how to sort out their personalities and the challenges they’re facing.

What can you learn from reading classics like Little Women? A lot. Maybe those four girls couldn’t look forward to any Christmas presents that year, but Alcott left plenty of gifts for the rest of us, 151 years later.

One more thing: you might be wondering whether I’m planning to see the new filmed version of Little Women that’s opening this week. Yes. Can’t wait!

Here’s a troublesome sentence from the Social Q’s column in the New York Times from November 3, 2019: 

“But if you can’t find a way to trust your husband again, I don’t believe you can afford not to divorce him.”

What does that sentence mean? Even though I’ve read and reread it, I still wouldn’t be willing to swear that I understand it. I think this is what it’s saying:

“If you can’t find a way to trust your husband again, you need to divorce him.”

But there are three negatives (can’t find, don’t believe, not divorce). It takes a lot of plodding to work your way through that. Why not just say what you mean?

Here’s some advice for you: write positive sentences.

I can’t believe Janet didn’t get the promotion.  CONFUSING

I’m amazed that Janet wasn’t promoted.  BETTER

While we’re at it, let’s talk about an urban legend concerning double negatives: two negatives indicate a positive. No. English isn’t math.

Many languages – including Russian and Spanish – have double negatives. Do you really want to tell the Russians that they don’t know how to do math?

And this may surprise you: Old English used to have double negatives too. They’re gone now, of course, and they’re considered a diction mistake. Don’t use a double negative (“I don’t have nothing”) at a job interview! But don’t let anyone tell you that two negatives make a positive.