Jean Revises a Sentence

Here’s something I revised right before I posted it last week:

During last week’s Pilates session, my trainer had a phone call from his son: their Netflix account wasn’t working. My trainer told him that the credit card had expired, and he hadn’t gotten around to updating it.

The problem was a little word that most of us don’t think about very often: he. My trainer was talking to his son. This is what I originally wrote:

My trainer told him that the credit card had expired, and he hadn’t gotten around to updating it.

There are two males in that sentence my trainer and his son. Sohe hadn’t gotten around to updating it” is confusing. 

Of course most people would quickly figure it out: my trainer did the explaining. But good writers try to avoid these hiccups. Your brain should have a smooth and enjoyable ride when you’re reading.

I revised it so that there was just one male in the sentence:

My trainer explained that the credit card had expired, and he hadn’t gotten around to updating it.

Share

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.