A few weeks ago my husband showed me a problematic sentence in the gardening column he was writing, and we put our heads together to fix it. Here’s his original sentence:
Plants in the Euphorbia family produce a white sap that’s so foul and irritating, creatures that try biting off a piece don’t come back for a second taste.
We spent a couple of minutes talking about possible revisions – and then Charlie suddenly started scribbling. Here’s the improved version he came up with:
Creatures that take exploratory nibbles soon learn to avoid plants from the Euphorbia family. The white sap is so foul and irritating that they don’t come back for a second taste.
Why is this version better? First, it’s two sentences instead of one (a favorite strategy I’ll take credit for teaching Charlie to use.) More important: instead of stating a fact, the new version shows us critters on the move – taking an exploratory bite and then deciding not to come back for more.
What’s interesting is what Charlie didn’t do: start from the beginning, with the disgusting white sap, and then go on to show mice, bugs, and other garden critters stopping by for a taste.
Here’s a rule-of-thumb for you: You don’t have to start from the beginning!
It’s human nature to write the way we think. That means we often write in first-this-happens-and-then-that-happens fashion – leading to a lot of dull writing.
If you take a look at the examples below, you’ll notice that each revision reverses the usual start-from-the-beginning strategy.
Marge spent long hours studying math. For that reason, she earned an A in calculus. FLAT
Marge earned an A in calculus. Those long hours of study paid off for her. BETTER
I found a cake recipe on a tattered piece of paper in my grandmother’s kitchen. When I tried the recipe, the cake was a big hit. FLAT
Everyone devoured the cake. I’d found the recipe on a tattered piece of paper in my grandmother’s kitchen. BETTER